Practicing empathy can be used in any relationship and used within oneself.
Empathy is another word for Nonviolent Communication (NVC). NVC is based on the principles of nonviolence or the authentic state of compassion where no violence is present, physical or verbal. This style of communication is sometimes referred to as the “language of empathy” and it’s effective in all types of relationships.
Relationships can be hard! According to a 2015 study in Switzerland, when your partner is under stress, they’re less likely to provide the necessary support needed in the relationship. This can easily be tied to the empathy provided within the relationship. Don’t be confused though, empathy has absolutely nothing to do with feeling sympathetic for someone or yourself. But rather, it’s full respect and understanding of where someone is coming from.
Empathy, in this case, can be used as a superpower, by pulling others out of the negative feelings they might have when their needs aren’t being met. Keep in mind their needs may not be met in various relationships within their lives. This can include relationships with their significant other, family, friends, co-workers or even themselves.
Let go of judgment, accusation or critique. This can lead to negative thoughts about yourself. Rather notice the feeling that is just under the surface. And choose to express it from this space. Be careful because thoughts can often mask themselves as feelings. For example, avoid saying things like “I feel like a disappointment” or “I feel like my boss is micromanaging.” Or even, “I feel incompetent.” These are thoughts based on another feeling that you’re having. Instead, say “I feel sad because I let you down on this project that I know was important to you” or “I feel angry because you didn’t show up to the event after I asked you to.”
We all individually have different way to meet a need. But our overall universal needs are often similar to our counterparts. Identifying the need and communicating it makes it easier to understand for all parties. For example, avoid expressing things like “I need you to take me out to dinner on a date” or “I need you to stop by the drugstore to pick up Joey’s medication.” Instead, say “I need to feel connected to you by spending quality time with you” or “I need to feel like we are both contributing to our family by taking care of errands equally.”
Once the feelings and needs are noticed, then it’s time to show understanding and agree on the necessary action to support the need. For example, avoid stating “You need to take out the trash every other day” or “I need to exercise every day.” Instead make a request like, “Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say about support around household chores?” Or, “What agreements would I be willing to make with my exercise for the next two weeks?”
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